For individuals with ADHD, these moments can feel overwhelmingly painful and lead to disproportionate feelings of shame, anger, or sadness. The emotional intensity of RSD can disrupt relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being.
Understanding Our Nervous System and how it Impacts Rejection
By now, we’ve probably all heard a therapist (myself included!) explain how our nervous system is wired to protect us from danger, often using the classic “lions, tigers, and bears” analogy.
Our nervous system (fight, flight, freeze responses) evolved to help us survive immediate threats—like a lion suddenly appearing outside your cave. During that same time period, there was another reason this part of our nervous system would get activated. Being alone or rejected was also perceived as a threat to our nervous systems the same way the lions, tigers or bears were. Why might you ask? Well, if we were sick or injured, we couldn’t hunt or gather, and without our tribe, we risked starving or dying. As a result, our nervous system became trained to respond to rejection with the same intensity it would to a physical threat.
Here’s the twist: while lions, tigers, and bears aren’t exactly roaming around today, our brains are still wired to fear rejection just as intensely. Rejection may no longer be a literal threat to survival, but for individuals with RSD, it can feel just as life-threatening. The nervous system sends signals that prepare the body to face this perceived danger, making rejection feel like a profound and overwhelming emotional event. While rejection is something all humans struggle with, for those with ADHD and RSD, the experience can trigger intense and disruptive emotional responses.
For someone with ADHD, these intense feelings of rejection can feel all-consuming. But there’s good news: while the brain may be used to sending off alarm bells, there are ways to calm the nervous system and bring it back into balance. It starts with awareness—understanding that your body is reacting as if you’re in danger, even though you’re not actually being chased by a lion. This awareness is crucial because, once you know what’s happening in your body, you can take steps to manage it.
Mindfulness: Becoming Aware of Your Body’s Signals
Mindfulness is one of the most effective tools for managing the intense emotions of RSD, but it often starts after the fact. For many people—especially those with ADHD—it can be difficult to catch themselves in the moment, and that’s OKAY! Mindfulness begins with awareness, even if it comes in reflection.
The goal of therapy is to shorten the gap in awareness to eventually use the skills in the moment. But until then, we can use visualizations to shorten this gap. Visualization plays a key role here. Although it’s just a mental exercise, the body doesn’t know the difference. When we visualize handling the situation calmly, the nervous system can start to relax. It’s like rehearsing for the next time a perceived threat occurs, making it more likely that you’ll use these skills when needed.
This is where grounding techniques come in. Grounding helps bring your body back to a state of safety by calming the fight-or-flight response.
Grounding Techniques: Bringing Yourself Back to Safety
When you notice your body entering “fight or flight” mode, the next step is to engage in grounding techniques that signal to your nervous system that you are safe. Here are a few tools you can try:
- Breathing Exercises: One of the quickest ways to calm your nervous system is through slow, deep breathing. When we feel threatened, our breath becomes shallow and rapid. To counter this, try box breathing: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold again for 4. Repeat this for a few cycles, and you’ll likely notice your heart rate start to slow and your body feel more relaxed.
- Affirmations of Safety: Reassuring yourself that you are safe can be a powerful grounding tool. Remind yourself: “I am safe right now,” or “This is not actually a life-threatening situation.” Sometimes repeating these affirmations out loud can help your brain believe them.
- 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: This is a simple grounding exercise that brings your focus away from your anxious thoughts and back to your immediate environment. Here’s how it works:
- Name 5 things you can see around you.
- Name 4 things you can feel (like the ground under your feet or the texture of your clothing).
- Name 3 things you can hear (background sounds, birds chirping, etc.).
- Name 2 things you can smell.
- Name 1 thing you can taste (maybe take a sip of water or chew a piece of gum).
- Body Scans: Bring awareness to different parts of your body, starting from your toes and moving up to the top of your head. This can help you focus on where you might be holding tension and consciously release it. You might say, “I’m noticing my shoulders are tight—let’s try to relax them,” or “I’m holding my breath, let’s take a deep breath.”
Building Resilience with Self-Compassion
It’s important to remind yourself that RSD can feel very real, and the emotional pain you experience is valid. Self-compassion is key here. You are not overreacting—your brain is wired this way, and it’s trying to PROTECT you, even if it’s misinterpreting the situation.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling intense emotions, try approaching yourself with kindness. Here are some compassionate affirmations to use in moments of distress:
- “It’s okay that I feel this way right now.”
- “I’m allowed to feel upset, but I can also take steps to calm myself down.”
- “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
Taking Control of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) can feel overwhelming, especially for those with ADHD, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By recognizing how your body and mind react to perceived rejection and criticism, you take the first crucial step in managing it. Through mindfulness, grounding techniques, and self-compassion, you can calm your nervous system and remind yourself that while rejection may feel like a serious threat, you have the tools to navigate those feelings.
It’s important to remember that everyone experiences rejection and emotional pain to some degree, but for those with ADHD, these feelings are amplified. Understanding that your brain is hardwired this way—not because of weakness or oversensitivity, but because of how ADHD affects emotional regulation—can help lift the self-judgment that often accompanies RSD.
In moments of heightened emotion, remind yourself that you are safe, that these feelings will pass, and that you have strategies to ground yourself! Over time, building resilience through self-compassion, mindfulness, and self-awareness can lead to a greater sense of control and emotional balance.
Rejection may be a part of life, but with the right tools, it doesn’t have to feel like lions, tigers, and bears!!!
